Things that make you want to stop working in media

Here is a real example of something media executives have to put up with everyday. When looking at agency websites and industry sources, indigestible horse crap like to is swallowed all too easily by suggestible grads and broken old media war-horses.

what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? it's utter bullshit what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean?

I've already said my piece on buzzwords and media luvvies, but sometimes something makes you sit up and think 'What the hell am I doing here?' I'm normal. I recently heard of a friend of a friend who is forced to take 30 minutes out of their day to go and sit in an 'imaginarium'. From what I can work out, this is a room where braying creative twats lay down for half an hour to digest the lunchtime steak and bottle of Beaujolais before declaring that they have had a cracking idea based around 'process' and 'passion'.

Here is another recent example of brain-meltingly pointless liquid bull shit. Stats and charts in media are more often used to confuse distract than to prove and explain. Us executives should know as it's us that have to dig out these nuggets of information and bolt them together whilst imagining you are on a beach and that St Peter will not hold it against you at the pearly gates.

I once heard an industry speaker claiming that '75% of all statistics are false' to a room of furiously scribbling journalists and agency brown nosers. He obviously missed the irony that his own statistic had a 3/4 chance of being utter crap itself.

Just take a minute to imagine how the poor junior designer felt when creating this infographic monstrosity. A pin striped crinkle-face was probably standing unbearably close smearing their screen with their tobacco stained fingers saying something like 'Move PPC a bit closer to SEO . . . no not that close!'

Some days, things get on top of you (Tuesdays are never the greatest). I've already been hit in the head by a football kicked the length of the office at lunch by an insufferable sales rep who spends more time than Gordon Ramsey trying to prove how big his testicles are.

Most disappointingly, no executive is safe from being turned wanky by the media world. Whilst I spend most of my waking hours finding faults in others I often find myself telling disinterested friends how much Cilit Bang paid for their spot in the middle of Coronation St, or that 500,000 recently interacted with a digital sign in Waterloo station.

Too leave on a higher note please enjoy this video of my friend's retarded dog on an escalator. I'm off on a sales conference this weekend and shall return with a full report next week.

Yours lovingly ES

#ontheofficestereo

That's right everyone, I have become versed in the ways of Twitter.

I would like to talk to you all about office music today.

Now I don't think that iPods should be allowed at your desk. Fair enough if you have a data entry job, or one where you are performing a process which required no interaction.
However, if someone has to tap you on the shoulder to get you to pull your waxy earphones out of your lugholes, it seems a bit rude.

Some offices like to flout the copyright laws of the PRS and play music in the office. I work work in one such office, where MP3 players can be plugged in and tunes played via tinny speakers, to the rest of the drones in the cube farm.

All the tepid, lukewarm inoffensive music (Florence and the Machine, Empire of the Sun, Snow Patrol etc) gets pretty boring, pretty quickly.
In defense of all of this, it is good solid working music, and you can happily get on with your work whilst the nicey nicey melodies wash over you.

And then comes cheesy Friday. The screeches of the Jackson five, Duran Duran greatest hits, Aha and the Bee Gees. Its all a bit of fun, but does it help productivity?

When the office falls into silence when a track finished it is like everyone becomes conscious of themselves again, and can't work then either? Music makes the office seem, buzzing alive and interested.

What are we to do. Have white noise piped in? A zombie like Bagpipe drone? Maybe headphones would be such a bad idea.

Office Characters #7

And now we come to the final in my series of Office characters. (Maybe I should add work shy cynical twenty something to the list :)

Anyway, The Charlatan.

Media is full of them. You know the type of person who is a little too fond of buzzwords. Job titles for these people include 'futures planner' 'strategy director' and the like. In fact I met one once who called himself a hyphenate! planner-researcher-strategist-presenter, so many hyphens that he called himself a hyphenate.

Charlatans display the following behaviour:

Mentioning academic works based on psychology or behavioural economics or something similar. This helps to add weight to their wacky theories.

Dreaming up imaginary problems which mean they can't deliver simple work on time, or at all. Excuses such as, 'I am waiting for this team to contact me', or 'this system is down'.

Having one eccentric habit which is memorable (wearing bow ties or braces, mentioning your favourite hobby constantly)

Having worked for about 15 different companies in the last decade. AKA companies not being able to bear you, so you move on. Charlatans claim this as invaluable experience across many sectors. They wear their tumultuous CV like a badge of honour.

Knowing every old fruit in the business. Charlatans are able to get work on the strength of their contacts.

Finally describing themselves with the dreaded 'c' word. Consultant.

I hope you have enjoyed my jaunt through the characters in a typical media company. The stereotypes aren't that far from the truth.

The art of self promotion

Facebook has revolutionised the way people interact. This seems like an obvious statement to make, but becoming an online entity has led people to think about how they are perceived.

When people start to publicise their lives through updates, pictures and links, they have to think about the basic principles of marketing.

Who is my audience?
How can I reach them with relevance?
Privacy issues, who can see my messages?
How can my audience interact with me?

It is not just Facebook though. The explosion in Social networking opportunites has led to a once brilliantly simple way of promoting yourself to become a fragmented mess.

To this executive, it seems as though the history of the internet can be summed up like this:

Web 1.0 - Hard to use – not enough content
Web 2.0 – Easy to use – Big web brands and site aggregators
Web 3.0 – Hard to use – Too much great content

We always think that if we subscribe to enough newsletters, visit Digg, Youtube, B3ta and news sites enough we can catch up with the myriad of entertainment and content there is on the web. It’s that constant fear of missing out on something great. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

I came across footballfilter.com recently. It is a site which aggregates all major football content providers in one simple screen. Whilst this is a great site, it is frighteningly large and makes me realise how we need our defined and narrow opinions. You can’t afford the time for a balanced view any more, we stick to sites you know and trust.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a guide to the internet based on your interests and personality?

What are your hobbies?
Your political stance?
The issues you care most about?

. . . well then these sites are for you.
Here’s a guide of the best newsletters for each field of your interest, and the best site aggregators.

Ironically, the only place this could be published is on the fast changing environment that everyone has access to. When it was published, it is unlikely that anyone could find it and it would be hell of finding great ways to publicise it.

Ladies and Gentlemen – “The internet”