The Christmas party

The Christmas party was still going on in his mind

It’s that time of year, where every mediocre pub / club and hall in London is full to the rafters with Christmas partiers.

For many, the Christmas party represents a much needed opportunity to let your hair down, and enjoy a few drinks on the company. Unfortunately, a few drinks on the company doesn’t impress us media types, as that is what is normally consumed every weekday lunchtime and evening. Media Executives go into overdrive at the Christmas party, trying to have a more extreme (pic) time than normal.
Here are some of the things that can be expected from tonight’s party:

• Excruciating awards or speech by senior management
• Scrabbling around for drinks tokens when they run out. Alternatively sucking up to anyone with a bar tab.
• A lack of food to aid the drunken embarrassment. After nearly 5 years in media Executive Summary can reveal that canapés are not, repeat NOT an acceptable substitute for dinner.
• Somebody letting themselves down on the dancefloor
• Somebody letting themselves down with Karaoke
• Incredibly competitive drinking. It is all about who can be the drunkest, not who can enjoy the party.

Xmas parties.
Not as extreme as extreme ironing



• Two people letting themselves down with each other.
• Someone getting stung for an £80 cab ride home.

• Someone being witness to a fight in a fast food establishment resulting in them giving a statement to the police. 

• At least two AWOLs tomorrow.

• Thursday groans, as photographs are discovered and uploaded onto the network.

There are also a host of characters that come out of the woodwork every Christmas party that don't see to be around all year.

Clingon - a newbie who clings to whoever they know rather than drunkenly introducing themselves to others in the company. Run away if you don't want to get stuck with them all night.
Work Talker - someone incapable of making small talk. Avoid them if you don't want three extra projects on your desk in the morning. You are drunk and will agree to anything.
Singstar - Will sing, scream and shout along to the music all night regardless of whether they have a microphone or an audience.
Store Room Guy - An old guy you haven't seen before. He looks tired, and like he might have respiritory problems. He must work in the store room or something.
Darth Vader - a.k.a The big boss. Walks around with purposeful yet plodding steps with a forced grin on. The grin is to entrap executives into slagging people or the company off before busting their asses the next day. At least Darth Vader won't enjoy the party, he's rather drive his Merc home and read in bed for 2 hours.
The Jocks - Whoopin' and hollerin' animalistic executives. Competitive drinkers, daring each other to pull the 'fat chick' before high fiving each other and shouting 'yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh'
The Desperado - Sad, lonely and drunk, these desperate individuals wander around an emptying floor at midnight looking for someone, anyone to make them complete. The Jocks run a mile.
The Dweebs - Nerdy gang sitting in the corner. No-one knows what their entire floor actually does.
The Queen - The girl that all of the Jocks want to get off with. A very powerful individual, and she knows it.

Sensible executives like myself will be avoiding as many of the aforementioned characters as possible, and that's why we need copious amounts of booze to enjoy ourselves.

So expect a hung-over and grumpy Executive summary to be rolling into work at 9:05 tomorrow (that’s right, even the punctual have the occasional slip), after going in search of a hangover cure that will include some or all of the following:

• A bottle of San Pellegrino sparkling water 
• A smoothie 
• Boost Guarana
• Vegetable pasty from Greggs
• Tesco ibuprofen (I want to get rid of my headache, but why pay £4.95 for Nurofen when you can get the same effect from a 60p box?) 
• Two Raw eggs with tobasco
• Candy Floss
• A morning bike ride
• A desk beer
• Kinder Happy Hippos

I’ll also be starting work on my hundredth and possibly final post soon.

Merry fucking Christmas.

ES

Office disruption update

So you spend all weekend with your work colleagues, drag your tired ass to the office on Monday morning and find this:

Monday morning

Office refurb
que the weeping
no one sleeping

Cold, cramped dark grey space
MDF stench and a two day
h
a
n
g
o
v
e
r

Bang BANG,
HAMMER hammer,
drill d.r.iIILLLLL
Random                                   SMASH!

Hand me the ibuprofen,
hand me my Luger

Two days of fun for six weeks of pain

Team lunches

Team outings to London’s chain eateries provide plenty of dead air and space for behavioural observation. Sometimes they are for sad occasions (team members leaving) and sometimes are enforced birthday ‘treats’, yet these banquets are rarely regal, inpromtu, or kind on the wallet.

First off is the choice of venue. When Soho boasts over 100 varied, good quality and reasonably priced independent restaurants I struggle to see why office parties end up in:

Pizza Express
Zizi
Wagamamamamamas
Strada
GBK
Nandos
Etc (this isn't a cool new restaurant, I am incuating that chain restaurants are similar and blend into each other).

These places aren’t actually too bad, we all have to use them, just why pick them every time? Executives are not known for their cultured palates or love of cordon blue cuisine, but it does pain me when everyone professes to loving such mediocre fair.

‘I love Wagas, the katsu curry is my favourite thing to eat ever’
‘Pizza express is the absolute best, their doughballs are soooooo nice’

n.b. The fact that Pizza Express can get away with selling half cooked balls of flour for £3.95 a pop is perhaps the most devilishly brilliant crime in history. Someone should call 999, because the British public just got robbed.

When entering the restaurant (whether it has been booked or not), there is always a scrabble for seats.

‘I want to sit next to the cool kids’
'You and me buddy!'

Nobody wants to get stuck with the senior managers and have to talk about work, so embarrassing gaps between place setting start to appear.

These restaurants are set up for larger office parties, but this executive can’t help but feel that when a bunch of 15 giggling suits walk into a place cooing over the menu, it kind of ruins the ambiance for tourist couples and hungry families.

Conversation around the table is usually as bland an inoffensive as the décor in the restaurant. It usually goes something like this:

Office drone A: “what did you order?”
Office drone B: “Generic food A. I like Generic Food A. What about you?”
Office drone A: “I ordered genetic food A too! We must be twins or something!”
Office drone B “No. I only chose Generic food A as it is usually passable in this sterile canteen environment”
. . . . . . .
Office drone A: “How is your food? Mine’s great”
Office drone B: “My food is of acceptable standard, although I wish the price of it were slightly lower."

To be fair much of the conversation can be made much more interesting with the addition of alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, said liquid refreshment will double your bill and make it even harder to avoid falling into a deep sleep at your desk come 4 p.m.

The winner of 'most excruciating part of the team lunch meal' goes to paying the bill. First of all, no one has cash. I’m guilty of this myself, but it can be frustrating when ten people who need to get back to the office are left entering their PIN details one at a time.

Added to this, there’s always a voucher. A quick internet search reveals how badly chain eateries have been hit by the recession as there are a host of BOGOFs and 50% offs. Colleagues always end up in an embarrassing scrabble for crumpled bits of paper, before the final bill comes back more complicated than ever, and with a smaller than hoped for discount attached.

I think I’ll leave Martin Lewis of Money Saving Expert to enjoy low quality curries at 50% off. Imagine what a riot it would be working in his office! You would probably have to collect firewood to boil the kettle and bring in your own toilet paper.

Shine on Martin.

ES

Making a list and checking it twice

I like lists. They allow you to work out all the things you need to do throughout the day.

The adrenaline rush of crossing off a job well done.
The panic of adding another task to your list
The dark foreboding sense of woe when you see your list is getting bigger and not smaller.


In case anyone is unfamiliar with the concept of lists, I have made a list of the most famous lists:


To Do List
Santa's List
Shopping List
Guest List
ShortList
Listorious
Brahms and List
Bucket List

Below I have compiled a list of popular work avoidance techniques.

• Visiting the toilet - often when you only have no real urge to go.
• Decorate your cube / pod - often with stupid emails, funny pictures and meaningless certificates.
• Play miniature musical instruments on desk - most offices have at least one finger drum kit, or mini ukulele.
• Online shopping - It's like normal shopping, but can be done at your desk. The best price can easily be found, but what turns up is often a lottery.
• Complain about the music being played in the office. If you are feeling adventurous, go and change it and then wait for the volley of abuse from colleagues.
• Compile a list of industry buzzwords, and promise to yourself to never use them.
• Forward 'those funny emails' to friends.
• Sudoku / crossword - keep your mind sharp whilst switching off from work for 5 mins.
• Go to the shop - you might not be hungry, but you'll get some fresh air.
• Office sports - basketball, cricket, football - often played out of office hours.
• Building a group of online friends (rather than communicate with real people in the office). Just tweet it.
• Hone your artistic skills by becoming a doodle master.
• Play with desk toys - corporate merchandise, thinking putty, Rolodex, magnets, and whatever else you can get your hands on.

Hell, I might even make this into a feature. Writing lists is quicker than writing thought provoking and eloquent prose. I'll add the idea to my To Do List.

Drinking at lunch

I'm sure regular readers (who are likely to be members of the media fraternity) will be wondering why it has taken me so long to write a post on lunchtime boozing.

It is a rite of passage, a test of character and an essential skill.
People in other professions will tell you that they couldn't handle it. They would fall asleep and not get any work done. Business and pleasure don't mix.

In terms of networking, taking clients out and getting yourself known, a bit of social lubrication is always needed. This however, is a thinly veiled excuse for why everyone frequents pub in Soho Wednesday to Friday.

Some essential information is below.

Drinking times:
1-3pm (extended lunch)
This can be lengthened on a Friday or depending how on how brave you are.

Best practice:
More than one drink is essential
Avoid Rose wine as it can be extremely dangerous.
Plan your food consumption carefully, food in Soho pubs is usually inedible
Always take a media contact with you for expensing purposes
Switch the Out of Office on if you are going to be back after 3pm.
Leave that suit jacket on the back of your chair.
Switch locations every week to avoid becoming a regular.
Make sure to have some Coffee or other stimulants in the office if you have any real work to do P.M.


Types of lunchtime drinkers:

Worriers - spend the whole lunch hour worrying about work, their boss, and what time they will be back. detract from others' enjoyment.
Re-fuellers - the kind of people who don't work well running on empty. A lunchtime pint can kick start the day and increase productivity.
Sleepers - The mere smell of alcohol sends them into a deep slumber. The rest of their day is likely to be spent wandering around aimlessly, missing deadlines and moaning.
Crazies - Get that maniacal look in there eye once the second drink goes down. You get a sense of days gone by, raving in a warehouse in 1991 for 48 hours. Likely to AWOL.
Don't give a sh*ts - People who have one drink and go off the rails. Likely to give work the heave ho and get on it bigstyle. Known to say things like 'I don't care, I'm King of everything'
Liquid lunchers - Will go for a drink any day of the week, Monday, Tuesday, whatever.
Media Battleaxes - Hardened drinkers who can handle any amount of booze and return to the office a model professions. Practice makes perfect.


Well sorry if the spelling has been a bit wonky. I've only just got back from the pub you see. (Unfortunately this is untrue. I was laughed at for ordering a Blackcurrant and Soda, but managed to claw back some cred as it was a pint - yesss!)

Merry drinking, and a happy weekend.

The management team

I'm 50!

50, in terms of posts! Please congratulate me by way of monetary compensation for your enjoyment of my office based ramblings. If you don't enjoy reading and feel you are owed money back, this is also acceptable. Just let me know why you think the posts suck, and how much you are owed.

Is everyone getting sick of the horrendously corporate pictures I've been using?

Yes? Well you've been very quiet about it. Any abuse is welcome, I've even got buttons for it underneath the posts.

Obviously, the pictures are supposed to be ironic. The very encapsulation of everything that Executives dislike and are fighting against. I would like to make it clear that the use of said horrendous images is certainly not the product of an Executive's lazy searching on Google images.

Onwards.

This monstrosity of a mock US boardroom is supposed to represent the higher level management team in every Executive's office.
Most companies have an international management level, that Executives have little to know knowledge about.

Not only are these management structures incredibly complicated, but junior office bods baulk at even trying to comprehend what goes on up there. Up there in the rareified air of the upper floors of the evil media towers.

Managing Directors
CEOs
Vice Presidents
Regional presidents
Presidents
Chief Strategy Officers
Chairmen
Owners
Non-Executive Directors

These are all fairly indistinguishable titles of people who spend 60% of their time on a plane going to strategy meetings. In fact, I wonder if business would run smoother if it wasn't international. These bigwigs would be able to answer emails, write reports and do some actual work!

One thing that I have noticed about this slippery lot, is that they like to invent projects. In my workplace, the following secret projects have been created within the last 24 months.

Project Nero
Project 10
Project Clarity
Project Oxygen
Project Inspired
Project Max

Whilst these projects are supposed to be completely secret, I can exclusively reveal that one of the aforementioned projects was created with the sole intention of creating names for other secret projects.

Thinking about it, I could have used a better picture. Like one of a spy creating a secret project, or George Clooney in 'Up in the air' racking up those points on American Airlines. I think a part of me enjoys cringing at the stock business photography. It's reassuring to know that some offices are even more wanky than your own.

Optimists vs Pessimists

In every office there will be optimists and pessimists. Whichever camp you fall into, the opposite personality will madden you.
Realists are a breed of people who manage to balance the frustrations of work with staying positive, liked and rising to the top of the pile. Needless to say realists are a very rare breed, and if you are reading this, you're either a confused optimists, or a bored pessimist.

How to spot a pessimist:

They never agrees to work instantly. There will be at least one block to the required task being completed
Complains about the management structure / policy to other pessimists, with no intention of raising it formally
Someone who makes you aware exactly how hard they work
Has been in the same role for over two years
Bored of office perks, would prefer to have nothing that something 'nearly good'
Says things like - these sweets are making me feel sick, whilst shovelling them in
Someone stuck in a routine that they profess to 'tolerate'
Complains about office temperature / office music without changing them
Often self deprecating about their contribution to the company
Claims to be waiting on work from 'other people / other teams'


How to spot an optimist:

Has misplaced faith that everything 'will be OK'. The recession doesn't matter yeah?
Says things like 'c'est la vie', or 'oh life', or 'oh well'
Talks about things other than annoying workmates at the pub on a Friday
Finds joy in the minutiae of office life - 'Oooooh new blinds, excellent'
Thought England could win the world cup prior to 07/06
Has too much on their plate as they say yes to work
Gets incredibly excited about freebies or industry events
The last to know about promotions / office politics
Gleefully participates in tea rounds


Remember to be kind and friendly to those around. Love each other, and keep your dark thoughts about culling members of your office to yourself.

You can turn from a Optimist to a Pessimist in the blink of an eye. Staying Realistic is hardest of all. I guess you need a little of all three to be a true PRO

On the dot

Unless you are the busiest person on the planet, you'll know and embrace the term 'Clock Watching'.
All executives are all guilty of it, however well we do our jobs during the day.

The Media industry is run by the clock. YoY figures, Quarterly reports, Friday deadlines, and Monday meetings. We must all start at
9am, take lunch at 1pm and finish at 5:30.

These strict time rules are of course punctuated by:
9:01-9:30 breakfast
11:00-11:20 coffee (from outside source)
2:00-4:30 AWOL period (mandatory for sales reps)
5:00-5:30 clock watching

You may only leave 'on the dot' at 5:30 if you have verbalised throughout the day that you need to do this. 'I have to get out on time today' 'I can't be late I'm meeting someone'. You may only use this once a week or other executives could accuse you of always nipping out early and shirking. If you do not verbalise that you need to leave 'on the dot' you may only leave at 5:35. It's simple manners.

Some additional time based etiquette:
Do not call anyone before 9:30 (especially on Mondays or Fridays)
Set your Out of Office for long meetings
Never leave before an inferior member of the team. Do whatever you have to to stay. Brush teeth, check train times, re-organise desk, archive emails, delete text messages to save memory on your phone.
Remember to congratulate someone for still being there if you call later than 5:45pm.

I have observed many creative clock-watching techniques in my time as an executive. These include:

Starting to slowly pack bag at 5:25
Going for extended toilet break at 5:15

Saying 'Is it 5 o'clock already! Wow the day has gone fast' (covering your tracks).
Making a sandwich at 5:20 as you need energy for the gym / heavy night of drinking.
Scheduling 4:30 meetings and not returning.
Avoiding looking at watches or wall clocks (as you could get caught). Other clocks are available on your office phone or mobile.
Running important errands (greetings cards or postage) before the shops close.

Please feel free to add your personal methods and techniques.

It's time I clocked off.

Walk of life

Why is it that bloated office baboons are so intent on avoiding physical exercise?

There are many blogs, tips and hints on how spinning around in your chair or only eating dust during work hours can help yourself beat the bulge. If you are reading this at work STOP. Get up. Go on! GET UP! Now run, jump and cartwheel around the office encouraging others to do likewise with you. Think about how long you have been sitting festering in your office chair. Years probably, you disgust us all. I jest of course. We all fall foul of spending too long in the saddle in front of a screen, but some executives go to great lengths to avoid exercise.

Office behaviour I have observed recently:

Someone using their chair to scoot across the floor to get to the biscuits rather than walking.

Horrendous squawking at a poor choice of music on the office stereo - without walking the 1.5 meters to change it

8 hours worth of moaning about the office temperature (too cold) without turning up the air con. This did not stop several offenders from switching on personal heaters though.

People who regularly get the lift down one floor. Walking down stairs is not even hard! Simple outright pleading with others to walk and get things for people.

I am one of those people who thinks that waiting on an escalator is a waste of time. You could be getting to your destination quicker and getting a miniature work out at the same time - Talk about two birds and one stone. Industry experts predict that climbing two flights of stairs can help office workers lose up to 4 pounds of weight per day. So come on, change your bad habits, the NHS depends on it.

Soldier on

Executive ailments, there are so many of them.

Those of importance (Directors et al), tend to have less time and less inclination to think about imaginary illnesses, and exaggerated bodily woes.

We all get ill from time to time. You are reading the ramblings of an executive who took their first ever sick days last year. Once you stay at home to recover from a virus (or bad case of man-flu), you realise that it is often better to recuperate, rather than grind yourself down by continuing as if you are not under the weather.

These 'Executive Pains' can be put into two categories:

Firstly the in office ailments:
Halitosis, Headache, sickness, dizziness, tiredness.

These are for the most part entirely fabricated to gain sympathy or relieve boredom. All can be cured with a glass of water and a five minute break from the screen. It's not that all office workers are hypochondriacs, but feeling less than perfect is yet another welcome distraction from the monotony.

The second category of illnesses are more serious, and often need setting up a day early, like a looping ally-oop basketball pass ready for the slam-dunk of a day off.

Having been sick - has no after effects unless the executive is actually ill, so no reason to stay off.
Migraine - jumped up headache
Food poisoning - not real unless fluids are gushing from both ends.
Stomach bug - dickie tummy. Toughen up by training it with chillies.
Diarrhoea - The all time classic that is so embarrassing the powers that be daren't ask any more questions.
Back problems - one of those things that older people say - 'always look after your back'

An old boss of mine once strolled into work at 12:30pm and simply declared 'What? . . . I was drunk!'
The director was so shocked at the honesty that no punishment, or even ticking off, was forthcoming!

I'm not sure what my point is here, maybe I'm just bitter that some people feel it is OK to take more time off as employers owe them. This executive adopts the 'Soldier on' approach, that may show favourably on your report card, but usually goes unnoticed.

Flirtation for the nation

There is nothing more cringe worthy and sickening than learning of a colleagues flirtatious exchange via electronic mail or text message.

Things that co-workers might say to alert you to how desirable they seem to be to the opposite sex:

Oh my God, he just texted me saying that he isn't a performing monkey, but he bloody well is.

I emailed her saying I had a good time, but she hasn't replied yet.

"They are sooooo cheeky, I can't believe they said I've got chunky thighs"

Stifled laughter up to 5 times a day from flirtatious texts. You know it isn't a joke, as they are a bit too embarrassed to share the details

"I don't fancy him, but I'm going to give it a go anyway"

Ways in which you can respond -

Say something like - 'it's good to feel loved'.

Send snide emails to colleagues about how you don't want to know about other people's romantic interludes.

Simply walk over to the offending colleagues desk and shower their keyboard, monitor and other belongings in projectile vomit.

Executives need to keep their sexy business to themselves.

World Cup agony

I would rather spend an whole week discussing tactics in this man's tactics truck than feel the pain of another day at work without the splendour of the World Cup on TV.

Capello's boys are yet to crash out, but I am already feeling the growing agony, frustration and that sickening feeling you get when England face anyone in a penalty shoot out . . .

I can't seem to get the online streams from the two World Cup broadcasters to work properly.

What with the modern wonders of the Internet, you would think that Executives all around the country could watch Slovakia vs New Zealand in blissful peace (in addition to getting on with whatever eye-gougingly painstaking work you have to), but no.

Its bad enough for us office schlubs to miss out on 9 hours on the sofa parked in front of the TV reaching through the festering beer cans trying to find some live crisp-packs. Offices should cater better for the most earth-shatteringly important event every 4 years.

BBC streams seem to work fairly well, only with intermittent interruptions, although they are ruined by the comments box on the left of the screen. The BBC obviously thinks it is a good idea to intersperse text commentary with idiotic tweets from Tittish twonks saying things like:

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

"more boring than work"

"Can I see more of the BBC World Cup Bus?"

"My ears hurt, Vuvuzelas are loud"

"When is the Premiership starting again?"

"#worldcup#england#capello#anythingthatwillgetyoutolookatmystupidtweets."

The other feed simply does not work. ITV have already committed several crimes against humanity

- ruining Adrian Chiles' career (although he is also to blame for this)

- allowing Andy Townsend to stay in gainful employment

- Big Ron-gate

- Showing advertisements during games (instead of England goals)
- ruining a lovely song by Jonsi of Sigur Ros.

I could go on.

We tried to go back to the 20th century in our office and tune in to the analogue service on a battered TV found lying forlorn in the basement. Some kind of government conspiracy means that analogue channels will be switched off soon, and it seems that MI5 had gained control of the last remaining TV in our office. Even after purchasing an old-school aerial the blasted contraption would not show any kind of football in fuzzy black and white.

I must add that we first attempted to plug a coat hanger into the back of the TV with limited success. The steaming turd-box would not even turn on, but the world has one less wire coat hangar to worry about.

Totally Official Reports suggest that morale in the office would rocket by 400% if employers provided adequate screen to show the games. Employees could be made to form orderly queues and intersperse 30 seconds of viewing with 5 minutes of work.

Death by Donuts

It's summer holiday season. You know, the time when good little office workers blow thousands of pounds on trips to expensive resorts in the Caribbean or Asia simply to lie on a sun lounger for two weeks.

Who made the rule up about paying your holiday penance anyway. You MUST bring back some sweets from the country where you were lying on a sun lounger all day for your greedy colleagues to eat.

Donuts are almost always the food of choice, even though a) they are responsible for the 40,000 office workers dying from grease filled arteries every year, b) people get bored of them and c) they aren't even relevant to where you've been.

here are some more interesting ideas for office treats:

Jolly Ranchers

Scotblock cooking chocolate

Fruitinis for all
Canopes

Monkey Nuts

Yop Milkshakes
Glace Cherries

Lets do away with the ghastly M&S tubs of Rocky road (I am suspicious of what is used to stick the chocolaty components together) and get creative.

Fly away home

We've all been on journeys of discovery to far flung parts of the world.

Before University, after University, after years of money saving.

Now executives love talking about holidays, it is far more interesting than talking about the new eggshell white that has been slapped up in reception.

But holidays are different to longer 'travel trips' or 'gap years'. A holiday is a break from the norm, an escape, a limited opportunity to relax and enjoy somewhere new.

A 6 month trip around SE Asia and Australia is not a holiday. Getting all watery eyed about that night spent under the stars in Cambodia, surviving on packet noodles for 3 months, or getting locked up in a Slovenian Jail is not a story for work colleagues.

Worse still, these post-uni serial travellers tend to team up in the office and proceed to talk very loudly over each other for 50 minutes about where they went, and why they are so good. Its like the terrible antipodean trend of saying that you have 'done' somewhere.

ah yeah? I did Italy, I did France, I've done Europe. Ticked it off, I did Florence.

Did you see the statue of David?

Yeah I did David, tick.

Europe - check, Africa - check, America - check

There are maps online where you can shade in the parts of the world you have been to and tell all you mates. Its like some awful online game of Risk where you can pretend that you are some 21st century version of Alexander the Great, just because you bought a plane ticket when you were 18.

If somebody mentions the danger word 'travel' rather than holiday you know you are in trouble. You don't want to have to sit through the photographs, so get out quick. Run away from that conversation and close the door quietly behind you.

Have a great weekend.

#ontheofficestereo

That's right everyone, I have become versed in the ways of Twitter.

I would like to talk to you all about office music today.

Now I don't think that iPods should be allowed at your desk. Fair enough if you have a data entry job, or one where you are performing a process which required no interaction.
However, if someone has to tap you on the shoulder to get you to pull your waxy earphones out of your lugholes, it seems a bit rude.

Some offices like to flout the copyright laws of the PRS and play music in the office. I work work in one such office, where MP3 players can be plugged in and tunes played via tinny speakers, to the rest of the drones in the cube farm.

All the tepid, lukewarm inoffensive music (Florence and the Machine, Empire of the Sun, Snow Patrol etc) gets pretty boring, pretty quickly.
In defense of all of this, it is good solid working music, and you can happily get on with your work whilst the nicey nicey melodies wash over you.

And then comes cheesy Friday. The screeches of the Jackson five, Duran Duran greatest hits, Aha and the Bee Gees. Its all a bit of fun, but does it help productivity?

When the office falls into silence when a track finished it is like everyone becomes conscious of themselves again, and can't work then either? Music makes the office seem, buzzing alive and interested.

What are we to do. Have white noise piped in? A zombie like Bagpipe drone? Maybe headphones would be such a bad idea.

Office Characters #7

And now we come to the final in my series of Office characters. (Maybe I should add work shy cynical twenty something to the list :)

Anyway, The Charlatan.

Media is full of them. You know the type of person who is a little too fond of buzzwords. Job titles for these people include 'futures planner' 'strategy director' and the like. In fact I met one once who called himself a hyphenate! planner-researcher-strategist-presenter, so many hyphens that he called himself a hyphenate.

Charlatans display the following behaviour:

Mentioning academic works based on psychology or behavioural economics or something similar. This helps to add weight to their wacky theories.

Dreaming up imaginary problems which mean they can't deliver simple work on time, or at all. Excuses such as, 'I am waiting for this team to contact me', or 'this system is down'.

Having one eccentric habit which is memorable (wearing bow ties or braces, mentioning your favourite hobby constantly)

Having worked for about 15 different companies in the last decade. AKA companies not being able to bear you, so you move on. Charlatans claim this as invaluable experience across many sectors. They wear their tumultuous CV like a badge of honour.

Knowing every old fruit in the business. Charlatans are able to get work on the strength of their contacts.

Finally describing themselves with the dreaded 'c' word. Consultant.

I hope you have enjoyed my jaunt through the characters in a typical media company. The stereotypes aren't that far from the truth.

Office Characters #6

The Gym Junkie.

We all like to keep fit. Healthy body, healthy mind.

We don't all feel the need to tell everyone about all of our training, food consumption and bodily functions.

Things that a GJ might say:

'I'm on a new diet, no carbs after 1pm'

'I had to change my training because my body was becoming too used to it'

'What's the point in doing Cardio? its boring'

'Men's fitness has got some great articles on blasting your abs this week'

'I'm down to 6% body fat now, that the same as an elite athlete'

'I need to replace the electrolytes because I have low blood sugar'

'I can't come out at lunch, I never drink when I'm training'

'My legs are hurting so much today because I was training so hard in the gym'

We just don't need to know.

Office Characters #4

The Fashionista,

Its all about the looks. We all like to look nice, but be don't all spend 6 hours of the working day beautifying or shopping online.

Better looking employees can often get away with a lot, especially in a sales environment. Lets face it, no one would buy a £4 watery tequila shot in a bar at 2 in the morning if you were buying it from a 300 pound hairy chap named Terry.

Fashionistas are a distraction for both the office and themselves. So much hair flicking, nail filing, and co-ordinating what to wear on Friday's casual day.

Entire lunch hours are spent on ASOS, or out shopping (if it is within 3 days of payday). In fact, I think Fashionistas are the worst for moaning about being broke. These are the girls that keep the high street going, how do they spend £200 p/m on clothes alone. I'll tell you how, by building up a hideous credit card debt. At the end of the day, it's OK, they can move back in with their parents to save money. Cocktails and dinners out every night don't come cheap you know.

They are just looking for Mr. Right anyway. 'Sex and the City' has made all of this behaviour socially and morally acceptable. People in Chaucer's time certainly had harsher judgements to make on the Wife of Bath's antics.

n.b. The Fashionista is not to be confused with the Recessionista - a new incarnation who has downgraded from All Saints to Top Shop in order to pay off some credit debt.

Office Characters #3

The Cainer

What more needs to be said?

These people hang around like a bad smell. Flies drawn to the proverbial mess of the media industry.
Don't get me wrong, it's fun to have a good time, and get a few freebies, but these people give the industry it's reputation for laziness, drunkenness and selfishness!

It's fashionable to have a stonking hangover, 5 O'clock stubble (even for the ladies), wonky glasses, ripped jumpers, un-ironed shirts and a fuzzy mind.
It gives them a certain credibility. At least they know how to have a good time all the time and get away with it.

Grabbing freebies with both hands, asking reps outright 'when are you going to take me to a music festival?' 'Can't we go somewhere nicer for lunch'
They play people off against each other and maintain that their mistakes are caused by entertaining and networking too much.

The Cainer is never too ashamed to crack out the excuses for being late. Doctors, Dentists, train, the boiler, a death in the family, alien invasion.

The only noticeable downside for Cainers is the fact to booze and coke must be a real drain on the finances. They say opposites attract, and for Cainers it's a must. If one got married to another it would be like a scene from a sitcom. A sitcom about inept drunk unprofessional people.

Anyway, they are pretty fun to hang around with. Every office has one.

Office Characters #2

The Manchild

The Manchild is a curious breed of fellow, almost exclusively found in the Media habitat. Most often designers, these are people often with the body, debt and responsibility of a 35 year old, and the mind of a 12 year old. Fond of juvenile conversation (which I am partial too myself on occasion) and a slave to the Xbox360, these guys love a good office prank.

Yet with the mind of a 12 year old, they are not always the most sophisticated of office pranks. "Let's sellotape their phone down, that would be hilarious". "We could cover his screen with post-it notes saying wanker on".

What are the typical clothes of a Manchild, I hear you ask?
Well, an ironic T-shirt, baggy jeans and big white trainers of course. Shirts and thin black ties are reserved for special occasions.

Typical behaviour:

Getting over excited when office snacks (or free samples) arrive
Spending all of their money within one week of payday
Ordering burgers or a steak on team lunches
Drinking glasses of milk (meant to be used for tea) in the office
Flipping people the bird behind their hands

Sayings:
"I know you are, I said you are but what am I?"
"I don't like your attitude"
"Don't touch what you can't afford"

We all know one, and we love them, they are certainly characters. A bit like dumb dogs with unquestioning faith and love for their owner.

Some people just don't want to grow older.