Weekend wankers

Mr Beardy thinks he is a male model. He looks more like a Male Mole, a mole that you could trap.

Look at the amount of exposed brickwork in these pictures. It's like a porno starring Sir Martin Sorrell and Kevin McLoud.

uuuurrrrgggghhh.

That is all.

Have good weekends.

ES

Things that make you want to stop working in media

Here is a real example of something media executives have to put up with everyday. When looking at agency websites and industry sources, indigestible horse crap like to is swallowed all too easily by suggestible grads and broken old media war-horses.

what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? it's utter bullshit what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean? what does it mean?

I've already said my piece on buzzwords and media luvvies, but sometimes something makes you sit up and think 'What the hell am I doing here?' I'm normal. I recently heard of a friend of a friend who is forced to take 30 minutes out of their day to go and sit in an 'imaginarium'. From what I can work out, this is a room where braying creative twats lay down for half an hour to digest the lunchtime steak and bottle of Beaujolais before declaring that they have had a cracking idea based around 'process' and 'passion'.

Here is another recent example of brain-meltingly pointless liquid bull shit. Stats and charts in media are more often used to confuse distract than to prove and explain. Us executives should know as it's us that have to dig out these nuggets of information and bolt them together whilst imagining you are on a beach and that St Peter will not hold it against you at the pearly gates.

I once heard an industry speaker claiming that '75% of all statistics are false' to a room of furiously scribbling journalists and agency brown nosers. He obviously missed the irony that his own statistic had a 3/4 chance of being utter crap itself.

Just take a minute to imagine how the poor junior designer felt when creating this infographic monstrosity. A pin striped crinkle-face was probably standing unbearably close smearing their screen with their tobacco stained fingers saying something like 'Move PPC a bit closer to SEO . . . no not that close!'

Some days, things get on top of you (Tuesdays are never the greatest). I've already been hit in the head by a football kicked the length of the office at lunch by an insufferable sales rep who spends more time than Gordon Ramsey trying to prove how big his testicles are.

Most disappointingly, no executive is safe from being turned wanky by the media world. Whilst I spend most of my waking hours finding faults in others I often find myself telling disinterested friends how much Cilit Bang paid for their spot in the middle of Coronation St, or that 500,000 recently interacted with a digital sign in Waterloo station.

Too leave on a higher note please enjoy this video of my friend's retarded dog on an escalator. I'm off on a sales conference this weekend and shall return with a full report next week.

Yours lovingly ES

Creative block

Does writer's block exist, or is it just work avoidance?

Maybe it is the wooziness of midweek blues, but this executive is feeling stuck. Any kind of writing that isn't direct interaction like email, often proves too hard to conjure up.

 

Whether it is a dry figure-heavy report, some long winded analysis for top brass, or a story-based presentation, executives nationwide often get the dreaded writer's block.

 

It doesn't happen instantly, but bit by bit. The more you think your struggle to fill the page, the more your work grinds to a steady halt . . .

 

Here are some suggestions if your creativity is at a low ebb:

• Unplug your network cable - no internet distractions
• Go to the toilets and give yourself a hard slap in the face. If anyone asked why you have gone red, say that you are allergic to slackers.
• Make a cup of tea but switch the proportions of water and sugar. Get some energy.
• Set off the fire alarm and when everyone has rushed out of the building you won't have any distractions and can get on with your work
• Call the MD and tell them that you would like to show them your progress before the end of the day
• Deny yourself any food or drink until you have finished
• Listen to a small amount of dance music in headphones. Not too much, you'll want to dance like a crazy person

The only real way out that this executive knows about is a day changing event - a change of deadline, a roasting from a director, a call from an important client. That'll get you going.

 

Maybe this is just a very cheap post as this executive was stuck on a piece of writing and couldn't think of interesting office-based topics. Well, at least it has given you a welcome 60 second distraction from your task in hand. I do wonder if the cat pictured would provide another distraction or genuine excuse as to why you couldn't get work done.

 

'He was sleeping, you can't wake him. I'll just have to type around him'

Office Characters #7

And now we come to the final in my series of Office characters. (Maybe I should add work shy cynical twenty something to the list :)

Anyway, The Charlatan.

Media is full of them. You know the type of person who is a little too fond of buzzwords. Job titles for these people include 'futures planner' 'strategy director' and the like. In fact I met one once who called himself a hyphenate! planner-researcher-strategist-presenter, so many hyphens that he called himself a hyphenate.

Charlatans display the following behaviour:

Mentioning academic works based on psychology or behavioural economics or something similar. This helps to add weight to their wacky theories.

Dreaming up imaginary problems which mean they can't deliver simple work on time, or at all. Excuses such as, 'I am waiting for this team to contact me', or 'this system is down'.

Having one eccentric habit which is memorable (wearing bow ties or braces, mentioning your favourite hobby constantly)

Having worked for about 15 different companies in the last decade. AKA companies not being able to bear you, so you move on. Charlatans claim this as invaluable experience across many sectors. They wear their tumultuous CV like a badge of honour.

Knowing every old fruit in the business. Charlatans are able to get work on the strength of their contacts.

Finally describing themselves with the dreaded 'c' word. Consultant.

I hope you have enjoyed my jaunt through the characters in a typical media company. The stereotypes aren't that far from the truth.

Top of the pile

This week, I have prepared a little ditto about the top brass, and the games that we like to play with them.

When a Director or some such person of importance starts to chat to someone in the department, underlings sidle out of their offices making their approach. Sometimes their slow crab-like movements are spotted by co-workers who know they don’t have an ‘in’ to the current conversation.

More embarrassing examples of this ‘sidling’ I have seen include standing in silence around 5 yards away and inching closer, getting to the outskirts of the conversation and simply nodding and saying ‘oh yes’. The worst of course is when someone pulls rank on you and simply interrupts a conversation with a direct unrelated question to the director.

You see, when the top brass comes down to visit, workers turn into children begging for attention, pulling on their sleeve whilst say ‘look at me, I’m oh so smart’.

This all has the undesirable effect of making directors more aloof and giving them an inflated ego. Not only do they think everyone is that nice and attentive normally, but they realize how important their time is.

I don’t know how many times I have been asked by someone senior to provide information or explanation on something which requires a trip to their office. Upon welcoming you into their office abode, they then proceed to read 10 emails, check their blackberry, compose responses and make calls. It is a demonstration of how busy and important they are, whilst showing you that your time is expendable.

What are you supposed to say? ‘Hello, remember me, the only other person that is sitting in your 10’x10’ box office’?

Hey ho, back to the pod.

Bad ads #4

'Nuff said.

Bad ads #3

Well, We are back again, and who's this little fella?

He is the victim of a terrible campaign for an email targeting company and a campaign against rational thought and sense.

It is needless to say that physical benefits cannot be presented to users via email, but I will say it anyway.

It is needless to say that dogs don’t use computers; this one clearly has very little idea of how to type.

Anyway, enjoy the confusing piece of art attached and wait with baited breath for the fourth instalment.

Moments when you want to hide under your desk # 1

We have all had them, the moments when you just want to hide under you desk and pretend you don’t exist. Not that you don’t work in your office, so that no-one can get hold of you – YOU DON’T EXIST. This is a first instalment of the many situations which make me feel like doing so.

Rounds of applause in the Monday morning meeting.

Your boss staring at you as they don’t have any work to do and are looking for inspiration

People claiming that they couldn’t live without eight and a half hour’s sleep.

Colleagues complaining about aching muscles from going to the gym by saying things like ‘oh my God, my legs are literally broken’

General exaggerations – ‘Can you die from drinking too much Mulled wine?’

Watching people stuff in sandwiches, cakes and any other foodstuffs at 5:29pm to avoid ‘getting too pissed or feeling terrible tomorrow’

Blaming technology failures – ‘My Blackberry keeps ringing totally random people’
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Promoting Creativity

Advertising is promoted as a creative industry. After all, that’s why we joined it.
Yet the operational reality of any job takes over. The creative tasks become impotent rather than important.

Spreadsheet, email, computer system, meeting.

Even designers and copywriters don’t genuinely ‘create’ ideas. They rehash old ones, or find a middle ground between two great things.

Admittedly, the subjects involved are more interesting than the latest developments in paint drying technology.

Companies’ attempts at promoting creativity in the workplace are usually pretty ham fisted. Doling out smoothies, ‘team building’ exercises (which aren’t bar tabs), wanky office furniture, putting TV screens with Sky News in reception. Whilst these make the office a little more bearable, they don’t give you flashes of inspiration required to make a major breakthrough in your work.

One creative touch common to most offices is the ‘break-out area’. An area designed for informal meetings and quiet time, but used for raucous lunch clubs and office naps. The problem with this area is that managers think it is below them to ‘break out’. It is simply an execs fraternisation area.

I’m not feeling too creative today. So I’ll leave you with this thought:

Why aren’t all offices decked out with armchairs, TVs and homely décor with a ‘work-out’ area. The serious work zone would see far more action than the pleather sofas used for snacking and snoozing are. That’s where the real creativity would take place.