Weekend wankers

Mr Beardy thinks he is a male model. He looks more like a Male Mole, a mole that you could trap.

Look at the amount of exposed brickwork in these pictures. It's like a porno starring Sir Martin Sorrell and Kevin McLoud.

uuuurrrrgggghhh.

That is all.

Have good weekends.

ES

Awards season

Firth - Clutching the winners trophy for the inaugural 'ambivalence award' at the recent GQ Men's awards. Readers professed to not understanding why he is popular.

It's award season! And I don't mean the Oscars, BAFTAS and all that. These awards aren't ones that anyone cares about (including most of the recipients). November signals the start of the party season, with awards dos, more lunches, parties and eventually the Christmas wind down (running from November 25th to January 11th).

I'm sure I'll manage a few more posts on the subject of party season anyway as my first year of blogging draws to a close. I'm aiming for 100 posts. Can I do it?

n.b. If I can't fill 100 posts with quality content, I will simply upload nonsense for the final few posts.

Firstly I realise that it is both ungrateful and bitter to moan about awards dos. A colleague professed to being annoyed and bored when a taxi driver mentioned that he worked three jobs and thought people worked in an office and got to go to posh awards events were extremely lucky.

In many industries you are lucky to get a few free drinks at the Christmas party held in a disused School Gymnasium complete with cheap wedding DJ Playing Slade, Wizard et al.

So working in media has some benefits. Or does it? Let's look at the positives and Negatives of awards dos:

n.b. This executive has been NFI'd (Not Fucking Invited) to all awards events this year. Please read the following as a completely object insight into the world of advertising awards as the analysis has nothing to do with being NFI'd. For this executive, industry experience seems to breed ambivalence from colleagues and peers, a bit like Mr Firth.

Negatives:
As an executive, the drinks reception is awkward from the off. You won't know many of the people their to talk to, but you'll know of them. They will all be terribly important and good people to network with. Networking sucks, this executive doesn't want to caught in a net with anybody, especially a bunch of haggard media wankers with diseased livers.

Speaking of the 'key players', they will make up around 30% of attendees. These media battle axes pop along to any crumby award event that their PAs can get them a ticket to. KPs know the layout of the Grosvenor House Hotel like the back of their hand. They have to network too you know! The other 70% are made up of shy mid level managers on a well deserved night out, and even more confused and timid executives making a bee line for the bar.

Networking can be pretty painful anyway as the keen mid managers try and allow their little executive chicks to fly the nest by introducing them to the key players. You can feel the grease virtually dripping from these slimy characters' hands. Key players can can smell an executive a mile off an will look through you as it you were a transparent steaming infected turd.

Some sights can make an executive angry, plain and simple. An example - the sight of media wankers with undone bow ties draped around their necks . . . before dinner. Honestly!

The menu always consists of the following:
Starter - Chunk of Goats cheese as big as a fist, with salad swimming in balsamic vinegar.
Main - Huge chunk of Chicken Breast with non decrypt white sauce and microwaved vegetables. The chicken is so dry you think that the Sahara desert has managed to climb into you mouth and leave behind the taste of corrugated cardboard.
Pudding - Large chocolate mouse that is too rich to sit properly with the 8 glasses of wine that you have already consumed.

So what about the awards?
Well, TV personalities and rent-a-joke comedians have to make their money somehow. I can't blame them. Writing jokes for the Dyson vacuum cleaner convention one night and the Travel Lodge budget Hotel awards the next ain't easy. But it doesn't mean we have to laugh at their crummy excuses at links between the never ending stream of awards.

I won't go into the awards themselves too much. Just the thought of how long they go on for makes me want to fall into a week-long slumber. Needless to say all of the 'accolades' are fixed / pointless / ridiculous / for sponsors only / pointless/ badly judged / confusing / pointless / and not real awards (delete as appropriate). The name of each award seems to get longer as the night goes on too:

"And now the award for Outstanding Excelling of Creative imagination concept under £100k for clients in the home furnishings category. Sponsored by Harvey's the furniture store in conjunction with MediaAgency.com and News International. There will be two highly commended and a bronze, silver, platinum and diamond winner for the category."

n.b. this award was won by MediaAgency.com for their outstanding creative concept on Harvey's where they putt an advertisement showing a family on a sofa in the Times.
Positives:

Going to these events justifies the expense of buying a Dinner Jacket outright for men, or a trip to the shops for a new dress for girls.


It's not water in that glass



All of the negatives drive people to hitting the booze hard. One thing is for certain, booze cures all in the media industry. Three champagne's slip down easily, followed by Red, White, then it's anybody's guess. You know the saying - 'Beer then wine is fine, wine then beer . . . oh dear!'

The night may end in embarrassing dancing, £80 cab rides and a recipe for getting little to no work done the next day, but at least you have the stories of debauchery, someone getting lost, losing money or more likely their dignity to look forward to the next day.

So in summary there are a lot more negatives than positives, and the lucky executives who manage to get a few crumbs from the awards table have every right to moan about how terribly inconvenient these things are.

Take that Taxi drivers!

Bad ads?

This time, and entry from the digital world. I can't even work out whether it is bad. The design is fairly eye catching and well set out. But yet again, the creative concept is extremely muddled.

I am confused by a few things. What does 'on a stick' even mean? It seemingly can be used in any circumstance:

Talent on a stick
Sex on a stick
Fun on a stick

or in the more literal sense:

Rag on a stick (can be used to wash oneself)
Apple on a stick

Does 'on a stick' mean with easy access? Or is it referring to something as plain and simple.
Whatever it means, please enjoy this video of a Redneck using a lawnmower on a stick.

Back to the criticism. Some questions:

Why is the talent Purple? Is it because Purple consultancy only searches for a specific kind of talent, or because they cynically manipulate it to meet their own diabolical ends?

Why is the talent melting? Is it turning sour, or is it to show that if you don't take it now it will be gone forever.

Finally, why is this recruitment company asking you to lick their talent?!? This can surely only lead to expensive and time consuming sexual harassment lawsuits.

The Regions

London based media Executives refer snootily to the rest of the country as 'the regions'.
It's a bit like how a 19th Century Aristocrat would refer to 'the colonies'.

"London is where all the jobs are"
"London is where the real money is"
"All of the best media developments come out of London"
"London is the creative hub"
"The further outside of London you are, the further in the past you are living"
"London doesn't have a present darling, only a future"

This executive will now go on and attempt to shed light on a recent ‘regional experience’ enjoyed earlier this week.

Travel:
Business travel is expensive these days, Virgin trains were happy to relieve the company of several hundred pounds for the joy of travelling a few hours outside of London. THUD! – the sound of another epic credit card bill. Spending 5 hours of a working day on a train is also an incredibly productive use of executives’ time.

Food :
The thought of expensing heart-attack inducing pastries, croissants and other station-based breakfast fayre is normally unbearably exciting, keeping this executive awake all night before a big trip to the regions. Yet by 11 a.m. your stomach is gurgling, wanting it’s next greasy fix and you feel like you are walking through treacle.

Location:
Industrial estate. It’s always an industrial estate. Taxi drivers don’t know where it is, and if they did, they would refuse to drive you there as they wouldn’t want to been seen in the red light district non-trendy part of town. Regional offices serve one purpose, to remind executives not to go further down the marketing chain towards client side. You will end up in a suicide hotspot estate in Bracknell, Nottingham or Chertsey. At best you will end up in Hammersmith.

Credos:
Coming from London makes you feel a bit like rock star visiting the regions. Younger regional reps and workers cling to you as the fountain of knowledge on cool, and hang on your every word. They will be sure to mention that they shop at the uber cool ‘Diesel Jeans’ and just bought the new Kings of Leon album, that's cool right? I could live in London too yeah?

Lunch:
Normally a sandwich platter provided by Greggs or the Town Crier café. This executive once bit down into a brie sandwich to find that it had soggy prawns stuffed into the middle of its puffy yet stale white bread. It’s always white bread in the north. On this particular trip, we convened in a chain eatery. Pizza express, my favourite.

Conversation:
Topics of conversation include – New cars, completing your mileage form for expenses, areas of small regional towns where employees live, the best road to take to any given location, rush hour, the tubes being confusing / busy, MOT costs, MPG, children and things not being as good as they used to be.

This executive has never prayed for a Tuesday so badly.

P.S. Executive Summary often flirts between truth, irony and bullshit. ES feels the need to point out that regional representatives are always welcoming, appreciative and entertaining.

Media wankers # 4

 

 

 

Bad ads corner #2

I'm not sure if this one has been included before. If so, ES apologises. To cut to the chase, Lighthouses are not for searching. They are for warning. A stationary, unmanned big torch to keep ship away from danger is not a great metaphor for an agency specialising in search. Magnifying glass, treasure hunt or map would be of more use here.

As much as I admire and enjoy the imagery of breasts, can they really be used as imagery for reaching capacity? Surely breasts like the ones pictured here can only grow surgically, unless they are those of younger girls (which would be creepy and illegal).

This is without doubt my favourite of the bunch. Who is this funny old man? A bit like Alexei Sayle in a box, or Patrick Stewart being bundled into a sack. This ad is supposed to be selling new, fresh data, yet chooses to use an older (and possibly naked) gentlemen in a brown paper bag (synonymous with ugliness and shame). Is he supposed to represent someone you want to reach as an audience (as he is happy), or someone you don't (as he is in a bag of shame).

Some classics in Campaign this week but I'll save that for another time.

ES

Casual day

A few posts ago, I said I would talk in greater detail about casual days. Obviously, after waiting with baited breath, you can now enjoy a brief glimpse into the executive wardrobe.

This executive does not work in a corporate office where wacky ties are on display every Friday and Mr. Manager comes in wearing slacks and golf shoes at the end of the week. But at least one person in the building seems very keen on charity, so whilst we don’t have an official once a week get-out clause from wearing our media monkey suits (open neck of course), the company does allow a few casual days a month.

The Robin Hood of the building charges £2 per time for the privilege of wearing comfortable clothes twice a month

So without further ado, here is just some of the characters and behaviour which can be found inside office walls in media land every casual day:

Smaj brigade – Sicken smart casual. Chinos chinos chinos, check shirts or polos. Why not go crazy yah? If its cold, top your ensemble off with a plain wool jumper tied around the neck, or a sports jacket.

The gigglers – Usually from a younger demographic, and find it a bit silly being with work colleagues when in everyday clothes. Meetings will descend into fits of giggles, and email responses will be brief, nonsensical and badly spelled.

The DGC (or Dressing Gown Crew) – Tired, sleepy, woolly yawnmongers who wish they could wear a dressing gown and slippers to work. They wear clothes for comfort not style including beige sweaters, jogging bottoms and big shoes. Their poor bodies are confused by what day it is and they need to get home to bed to read the paper.

Lunchtime guzzlers – Casual clothes are seen as by these individuals as a ticket to a double length lunch. Well, you have to let your hair down on a Friday right?

Friday gamers – Solitaire, quizzes, crosswords, desk toys, online flash games, you name it, they’ll play it. They are in their weekend clothes, so they are entitled to play as many computer games as they want. Clearly 6pm-midnight parked in front of the PS3 isn’t enough.

Hooded hoodlums – Some executives are a little too comfortable with casual day, and will wear a moth-eaten pair of skater jeans, broken shoes and menacing hooded tops. Sometimes, when you get into the lift on casual day with the HHs, you are ready to hand over your wallet and phone. This executive is all for letting it hang out, but there is no reason to come to work dressed as an ASBO making your colleagues feel like they work in a knife happy Moss Side estate.

The ‘Please sirs’ – It’s like it is the last day of term at school. ‘Please sir, can we go home at lunch?’ ‘Please sir can we go to the pub at 5pm?’ Casual clothes are often used as a bargaining tool for slacking via pleading with management.
Glad Raggers – Mostly (but not exclusively) female, Raggers love to spend time getting dressed up in all of their finery. They probably get up one hour earlier than on a normal workday to beautify. Be suspicious of their motives.

Jean switchers – Some people get away with fairly casual clothes most of the time. Girls in summer wearing flip flops, designers and creative types avoid the suit too. Casual day is a time to pay £2 for the privilege of breaking out the blue (rather than black) jeans.

Not taking part!
The forgetters – sometimes the droll work routine take a hold. Some sheepish executives forget what day it is and may claim to be a ‘too important’ (see below).
The ‘too importants’ – Pompous self inflated types who claim they can’t dress down as they have lots of important work to do. ‘Ooh I’ve got a hundred meetings today with senior contacts, I’m too busy.
The Skinflints - Refuse to pay, whether they take part or not. Lighten up guys, it’s for charity, it’s not like you have to hand over £2 every few days.

So next time someone asks you to pay £2 in order to dress normally, think long and hard about your choice of attire.

ES

The sales conference - day two

A Friday picture treat for you.

Try and get up to as much of this stuff as you can at the weekend.

- Team building task

sleep

Is this just executive bragging? Are any of these picture funny? Do they have much relevance to what actually went on? Who knows.

I'm afraid apathy is setting in as the week draws to a close. In fact, as day three was simply hours of pain in an airport followed by an uneventful flight, I might spare you the post.

Have a good weekend all, I'll see you on the other side.

ES

Bad ads #14

Where to start? Maybe an apology for the marks at the side of the image where this executive hastily circled this monstrosity of a print ad.

Firstly this ad reminds me or a departmental colleague pulling the very same un-ladylike pose in a drunken conference picture. No names, no pack drill.

Well, this is a pretty simple case of don't make people look away. If you are going to use 70% of whatever small space you have in a publication with an abhorrent image you are idiots. It's not even funny.

The image is abhorrent because of two reasons.
1. We don't want to see lovely old grandad is telling us to 'do one'. Why not just show a picture of Michael Parkinson smashing a bag of kittens with a hammer, or Roy Hodgson raping a sheep?
2. It's just so posed. iStock 101. Grandad must have been paid with a large amount of Werthers originals to commit to doing such an unnatural pose.

This company are clearly useless at what they do.

Types of berry that are better than redberry:

Blackberries
Gooseberry
Burberry
Dave Berry
French 'Berry' hat
Michael Berry-more
Halle Berry
Berry St. Edmunds
Berried (the film)
Beriberi
Goji Berry
Berry special boccasion

These bad ads just keep on rolling on.

ES

Bonus post

I'm breaking the chain of normality. Write about being annoyed on Monday, something rational on Wednesday and something funny on Friday. I just love this picture so much. It has been set as my desktop for a week and still makes me laugh.

I wish I had a pet Hawk. I would use him to attack my enemies and probably call it something like Ralph, Andrew or Killer. I can't decide.

Enjoy.

ES

The sales conference - day one

Pictures a worth one thousand words.

Added to this, this executive does not have the time or the inclanation to type up the full conference experiece.  It will be far to harrowing for the author and readers of this blog.

If you have been on a sales conference, then hopefully the pictures will conjour up images of jolly jaunts into the sea at 4 a.m, run ins with bouncers, drugs, sex, rock and roll and erm . . . PowerPoint. Yeah!

If you haven't been, then rest assured this was true Brits-abroad behaviour, and not one of those tame American conferences held at a hotel in Pittsburgh or Minneapolis with a 3 hours awkward 'partay' were people in suits writhe around attempting to dance.

All people in these pictures are not real people. They are robots created for the purposes of explaining a sales conference experience in picture form. All photos are directed and shot by myself. These robots are dangerous. Do not attempt to contact them as they could use their robot powers (including laser eyes) to melt your brain.

Day 1:

If anyone is wondering, yes, Dirk Kuyt was on our Sales Conference.