The sales conference - day two

A Friday picture treat for you.

Try and get up to as much of this stuff as you can at the weekend.

- Team building task

sleep

Is this just executive bragging? Are any of these picture funny? Do they have much relevance to what actually went on? Who knows.

I'm afraid apathy is setting in as the week draws to a close. In fact, as day three was simply hours of pain in an airport followed by an uneventful flight, I might spare you the post.

Have a good weekend all, I'll see you on the other side.

ES

Bad ads #14

Where to start? Maybe an apology for the marks at the side of the image where this executive hastily circled this monstrosity of a print ad.

Firstly this ad reminds me or a departmental colleague pulling the very same un-ladylike pose in a drunken conference picture. No names, no pack drill.

Well, this is a pretty simple case of don't make people look away. If you are going to use 70% of whatever small space you have in a publication with an abhorrent image you are idiots. It's not even funny.

The image is abhorrent because of two reasons.
1. We don't want to see lovely old grandad is telling us to 'do one'. Why not just show a picture of Michael Parkinson smashing a bag of kittens with a hammer, or Roy Hodgson raping a sheep?
2. It's just so posed. iStock 101. Grandad must have been paid with a large amount of Werthers originals to commit to doing such an unnatural pose.

This company are clearly useless at what they do.

Types of berry that are better than redberry:

Blackberries
Gooseberry
Burberry
Dave Berry
French 'Berry' hat
Michael Berry-more
Halle Berry
Berry St. Edmunds
Berried (the film)
Beriberi
Goji Berry
Berry special boccasion

These bad ads just keep on rolling on.

ES

Bonus post

I'm breaking the chain of normality. Write about being annoyed on Monday, something rational on Wednesday and something funny on Friday. I just love this picture so much. It has been set as my desktop for a week and still makes me laugh.

I wish I had a pet Hawk. I would use him to attack my enemies and probably call it something like Ralph, Andrew or Killer. I can't decide.

Enjoy.

ES

The sales conference - day one

Pictures a worth one thousand words.

Added to this, this executive does not have the time or the inclanation to type up the full conference experiece.  It will be far to harrowing for the author and readers of this blog.

If you have been on a sales conference, then hopefully the pictures will conjour up images of jolly jaunts into the sea at 4 a.m, run ins with bouncers, drugs, sex, rock and roll and erm . . . PowerPoint. Yeah!

If you haven't been, then rest assured this was true Brits-abroad behaviour, and not one of those tame American conferences held at a hotel in Pittsburgh or Minneapolis with a 3 hours awkward 'partay' were people in suits writhe around attempting to dance.

All people in these pictures are not real people. They are robots created for the purposes of explaining a sales conference experience in picture form. All photos are directed and shot by myself. These robots are dangerous. Do not attempt to contact them as they could use their robot powers (including laser eyes) to melt your brain.

Day 1:

If anyone is wondering, yes, Dirk Kuyt was on our Sales Conference.

Monday thoughts

Monday morning and I am faced with this chart.

I contemplate whether to delete the word localism and insert 'suicide?'
The drilling and banging contiues, my mood worsens.

What did I do with my weekend? lethargy, apathy and dissappointment spring to mind.

Some random thoughts:

Multi-tasking should be embraced in the workplace. For example, it should not be considered rude to polish your shoes whilst in a meeting about industry developments.

Is a cinema a good location for a lecture / speach? The stench of pop corn and an overwhelming desire to holds hands with whoever is sitting next to you suggests not.

All office hover-ers should be made to stand in an empty room for half and hour a week. You know, people who think they are important enough to but into any conversation by hovering behind your seat. It is simply rude. To even the score half and hour of hover-ers time should be wasted in this futile gesture.

Blackberry desposit boxes shou be installed by the door of each room in the building. It is most infuriating when people in their own office are scrolling around on the little twit-machines. Gotta get that important update about a BA flight sale from Travel Zoo. Or perhaps it is Tesco, informing you that you can get double Clubcard points and Kleenex tissue this week.

Happy Monday

ES

A nice cup of tea?

Hot hot Drinks
Hot hot Drinks,
one ha' penny,
two ha' penny,
Hot hot Drinks

If you have no daughters,
give them to your sons,
one ha' penny,
two ha' penny,
Hot hot Drinks

A little bit of a tenuous link to a childhood nursery rhyme favourite, but this executive is in a vocal mood today. After 12 days straight of being in the company of colleagues, I am singing along to the beat of the hammer and the whine of the drill in reception (all whilst thinking` TFIF over and over again).

My Friday treat will not be a pint of ale, a pasty from the bakery, or a mid morning donut oh no.
It will be an in depth analysis of the types of ‘hot drinks’ indulgers in the office.

Tea is the most popular drink in the world in terms of consumption. Its consumption equals all other manufactured drinks in the world — including coffee, chocolate, soft drinks, and alcohol — put together

English bulldog – Proud of being truly addicted to tea. Will drink 8-12 cups of Breakfast tea every day. Bulldogs are the kind of people that start to shake and rattle during a 1 hour car journey as they haven’t got their tea fix. Likely to drink strong ‘builders tea’ and refer to it as a ‘brew’. Favourite biscuit – Plain digestive.

Tea slaves – the poor souls who job it is most often to do the tea round. However hard they try, they will forget someone’s preference (I WANTED 3 SUGARS!). There kettle skills will never be good enough for their demanding colleagues. Likely to settle down in a quiet corner with a weak milky brew. Favourite biscuit, Malted Milk.

The nay-sayers – People who don’t like hot drinks. Shunned from society, these bitter individuals will do anything to spoil a party and try and decrease others’ enjoyment of a relaxing cuppa. They drink water (because it is the most ironic drink to enjoy) and are overly smug that they have no caffeine addiction. When in a bar, they are likely to order a stupid cocktail that no one else has heard of, just to prove they know what it is. Favourite biscuit, Choco Leibniz

Coffee addicts – DO NOT speak to these people before they reach the bottom of their second cup of Kenco. They will not be able to communicate properly and may end up striking you as you are preventing them from drinking more coffee. Any brown, caffeine injected liquid will do. 6-9 per day. Favourite biscuit, hob knob

Fruit tea brigade (FTB) – Fruit tea has to have one weird ingredient. The FTB can’t enjoy Lemon, Raspberry or Blackcurrant without one of the following. Ginseng, Ecanasia, Ginger, Persimmon, Elderberry, Jojoba, Aloe Vera, Liquorice or Crab apple. They like to mix it up, and have a sweet tooth. Favourite biscuit, pink wafer

Posh ambitions – These guys love to try other types of tea. It is like every cup of earl grey or Darjeeling pushes them up the social ladder by one rung. Always take pleasure in saying that special teas are much more refreshing than normal ones. Favourite biscuit, rich tea

Mental Oriental – Green tea, Mint tea, Jasmine tea, or any other oriental infusion is sipped carefully by these drinkers. They will wax lyrical about anti-oxidants and the healing powers of herbal. Some believe tea to be the missing link in modern medicine. Favourite biscuit, none (they are full of poly-unsaturates)

The Starbucks Elite – Likely to spend £50 a month or more on coffee. It is seen as an essential part of the morning routine. Come 11 a.m. this merry band of spend-a-holic have to run out and flash the cash, even if there is good quality coffee available inside. It’s like a personal relationship between the coffee corporation and the bean junkies. Favourite biscuit, the little cinnamon / amoretto ones that come with takeout coffee.

Cadgers - only have a hot drink when offered to them – ‘Oooh, go on then, if you’re twisting my arm I’ll have one’. I’m not twisting your arm scavver, I’m being polite and making tea for others, you should try it sometime. Favourite biscuit, Penguins / TimTams

So Which ‘hot drinker’ are you?
Note the lack of normal (drink 4 cups of normal strength tea and sometimes make it for others). Normal is boring, and boring isn’t cool. Normal doesn’t exist in the world of Executive Summary.

I hope you enjoyed this little storm in a teacup , I’ll see you on the other side.

ES

Bonus factoid: Since 2007, Turkey has overtaken Britain as the number 1 per capita consumer of tea, drinking over 2kg per person per year. Come on Britain, let’s win back our crown.