Friday, 1 October 2010

A nice cup of tea?

Hot hot Drinks
Hot hot Drinks,
one ha' penny,
two ha' penny,
Hot hot Drinks

If you have no daughters,
give them to your sons,
one ha' penny,
two ha' penny,
Hot hot Drinks

A little bit of a tenuous link to a childhood nursery rhyme favourite, but this executive is in a vocal mood today. After 12 days straight of being in the company of colleagues, I am singing along to the beat of the hammer and the whine of the drill in reception (all whilst thinking` TFIF over and over again).

My Friday treat will not be a pint of ale, a pasty from the bakery, or a mid morning donut oh no.
It will be an in depth analysis of the types of ‘hot drinks’ indulgers in the office.

Tea is the most popular drink in the world in terms of consumption. Its consumption equals all other manufactured drinks in the world — including coffee, chocolate, soft drinks, and alcohol — put together

English bulldog – Proud of being truly addicted to tea. Will drink 8-12 cups of Breakfast tea every day. Bulldogs are the kind of people that start to shake and rattle during a 1 hour car journey as they haven’t got their tea fix. Likely to drink strong ‘builders tea’ and refer to it as a ‘brew’. Favourite biscuit – Plain digestive.

Tea slaves – the poor souls who job it is most often to do the tea round. However hard they try, they will forget someone’s preference (I WANTED 3 SUGARS!). There kettle skills will never be good enough for their demanding colleagues. Likely to settle down in a quiet corner with a weak milky brew. Favourite biscuit, Malted Milk.

The nay-sayers – People who don’t like hot drinks. Shunned from society, these bitter individuals will do anything to spoil a party and try and decrease others’ enjoyment of a relaxing cuppa. They drink water (because it is the most ironic drink to enjoy) and are overly smug that they have no caffeine addiction. When in a bar, they are likely to order a stupid cocktail that no one else has heard of, just to prove they know what it is. Favourite biscuit, Choco Leibniz

Coffee addicts – DO NOT speak to these people before they reach the bottom of their second cup of Kenco. They will not be able to communicate properly and may end up striking you as you are preventing them from drinking more coffee. Any brown, caffeine injected liquid will do. 6-9 per day. Favourite biscuit, hob knob

Fruit tea brigade (FTB) – Fruit tea has to have one weird ingredient. The FTB can’t enjoy Lemon, Raspberry or Blackcurrant without one of the following. Ginseng, Ecanasia, Ginger, Persimmon, Elderberry, Jojoba, Aloe Vera, Liquorice or Crab apple. They like to mix it up, and have a sweet tooth. Favourite biscuit, pink wafer

Posh ambitions – These guys love to try other types of tea. It is like every cup of earl grey or Darjeeling pushes them up the social ladder by one rung. Always take pleasure in saying that special teas are much more refreshing than normal ones. Favourite biscuit, rich tea

Mental Oriental – Green tea, Mint tea, Jasmine tea, or any other oriental infusion is sipped carefully by these drinkers. They will wax lyrical about anti-oxidants and the healing powers of herbal. Some believe tea to be the missing link in modern medicine. Favourite biscuit, none (they are full of poly-unsaturates)

The Starbucks Elite – Likely to spend £50 a month or more on coffee. It is seen as an essential part of the morning routine. Come 11 a.m. this merry band of spend-a-holic have to run out and flash the cash, even if there is good quality coffee available inside. It’s like a personal relationship between the coffee corporation and the bean junkies. Favourite biscuit, the little cinnamon / amoretto ones that come with takeout coffee.

Cadgers - only have a hot drink when offered to them – ‘Oooh, go on then, if you’re twisting my arm I’ll have one’. I’m not twisting your arm scavver, I’m being polite and making tea for others, you should try it sometime. Favourite biscuit, Penguins / TimTams

So Which ‘hot drinker’ are you?
Note the lack of normal (drink 4 cups of normal strength tea and sometimes make it for others). Normal is boring, and boring isn’t cool. Normal doesn’t exist in the world of Executive Summary.

I hope you enjoyed this little storm in a teacup , I’ll see you on the other side.


Bonus factoid: Since 2007, Turkey has overtaken Britain as the number 1 per capita consumer of tea, drinking over 2kg per person per year. Come on Britain, let’s win back our crown.